


The Short Yet Eventful Engagement of Ellis of Woolworth

by darkandstormyslash



Category: Yonderland (TV)
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-09-09
Packaged: 2018-04-19 18:02:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4755899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkandstormyslash/pseuds/darkandstormyslash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ellis of Woolworth finds himself in need of a diamond. Then he finds himself in need of a diamond cutter and polisher...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which Our Hero Is In Need Of A Diamond

_Our hero makes a rash decision – the quest commences – the importance of reading guidebooks – the quest continues – the problems of other adventurers – the quest concludes_

“If you loved me!” Henrietta Primark bursts out, fan fluttering, dress sweeping and her bosom doing the absolute best to heave given what it’s got to work with, “You would have asked me _weeks_ ago!”

“But I do love you!” Ellis of Woolworth tries, desperately skipping behind an ottoman as she bears down on him, attempting to achieve with bulky dress and boned corset the kind of bearing that a slender and short little body would struggle to manage on its own, “I mean I’m no photographer, but I can picture us together, hmm?”

She glares at him, catching her breath for a moment, “Oh you flatterer, do you really think such charms work on me.”

“They, well, they have before...” Ellis attempts a disarming grin and then ducks as she hits him with her fan.

“Your brother would never do such a thing!”

“My brother does such things all the time.” Ellis answers, flapping his hands at her to keep her voice down and feeling a small stab of jealousy. His brother Philip is everything Ellis aspires to be; charming, brave, a fighter, a lover, and, most importantly, currently on the other side of the door chatting with Henrietta’s father, rather than on this side of the door dealing with Henrietta.

“You made such promises!” She cries, while he flaps his hands at her again, hoping the door is as soundproof as it looks. “I don’t know if you even love me, or if I’m getting my hopes up for an engagement when you will leave me to die poor and penniless, with my poor Papa wailing in despair at the unmarriagability of his spinster daughter!”

Given that “poor Papa” owns a substantial chunk of the Yonderland real estate market and her three older sisters have already married rich and powerful men Ellis considers this unlikely. It doesn’t seem to be a good time to tell her.

“I shall become a withered husk of a lady, speaking to my cats and wondering what went wrong, forever cursing the day I met you, Ellis of Woolworth! Or at least the day I met you five minutes _before_ meeting your brother!”

He doesn’t love her. Or at least, he feels for her the same as he feels for most women; a sort of vague friendly attraction. But her voice is getting higher and he can’t stand it any longer. Flinging himself forward dramatically onto one knee he throws up his hands, mostly to protect himself from the fan.

“Henrietta, my darling, my alphabet, my stars in the heavens. How can you say such a thing? When I have come here specifically to ask for your hand in marriage?”

There’s a pause. On the other side of the door he can hear the sound of his brother laughing.

“Do you even have a ring?” She asks eventually.

“I ... will get you a ring!”

“With a diamond?”

“The biggest diamond ever to bless the heavens that your father stole your eyes from.”

She considers this and then nods. “Get me a diamond, Ellis of Woolworth, and prove that you aren’t all talk.”

He manages a week smile. “Of course, my lady.”

* * *

The Great Abandoned Temple doesn’t look quite as abandoned as its name suggests. It’s a tall imposing structure; pyramid shaped and covered in carvings of many headed demons all looking vaguely unhappy about things. The verdant jungle which surrounds them has been carefully hacked away from the stonework, which gleams under the sun. At the very least, there’s a careful gardener tucked away somewhere.

“This is the place is it?” Ellis asks his page.

Marks nods, and waves a copy of ‘ _101 abandoned temples to loot before you die’_ at him. “This is the biggest abandoned temple in Yonderland, home of the statue of E’qui’ti, the God of Justice.”

“Right. And there’s a diamond in it?”

“All big statues in abandoned temples have diamonds for eyes, my Lord. Well known fact.”

“Right.” Ellis decides not to say that he’s never heard of this particular well known fact and dismounts from his horse, giving it a pat. “How do we get in?”

“In-order-to-enter-the-temple-you-must-pass-three-tests.” Marks gabbles from the book. Ellis rolls his eyes and sighs.

“Is there another way in? The non-tourist way?”

“Erm ... apparently not.”

“Fine! Alright. First test?”

Marks turns over the page in the guidebook and frowns, “The explorer must face three challenges of the gods. Firstly: the Deadly Spinning Blades of the Gods. The clue is: ‘duck’.” He looks around the temple wildly, “What duck? I don’t see any duck!”

Ellis steps forward, drawing his sword. “If we’re lucky, this may not be too difficult...”

They duck past the Deadly Spinning Blades of the Gods, argue over spelling at the Unneccesary Wordgame of the Gods and finally step over the Invisible Bridge of the Gods (clue: ‘try inching one foot forward very slowly’). With Marks still grumbling about unpronounceable letters they turn the corner, gasping as they suddenly come face to face with a thirty foot high statue of the great god E’qui’ti.

It’s carved out of a block of white marble, based on the description from the Holy Book of Justice. The detail is exact, from the curled sandals on his feet, past the ornate loincloth and embroidered sash, right up to the beautifully carved blindfold covering his eyes.

“Oh.” Marks says, and flips back through the guidebook. “Ah yes. The god of justice is blind.”

“No eyes?”

“Um. No.” Marks has the grace to look embarrassed. “Although we do at least know how to spell Quetzalcoatl.”

Ellis sighs and bangs his head against the base of the marble statue. “Find me another temple to raid then – preferably one with actual diamonds in it.”

* * *

This temple is smaller, squat and spreading, with a roof that glitters in the sun and carved dragons working their way over the columns. There are no tests or clues, just a few death-defying leaps and the odd dangerous scorpion skittering around which Marks crushes with the hilt of his dagger.

“Speks – the trickster god.” Marks reads, once the last scorpion is a twitching mush on the floor with Ellis trying not to look at it.

“And does he have eyes?”

“He has four, apparently. Two made from magnificent diamonds and two from stunning red emeralds.”

Ellis grins, “Right! Lets ... red emeralds?”

“Apparently so.”

“Well. Those’ll do if we have to. I’d prefer the diamonds though.”

Together, they inch into the temple, hacking at vines that obscure the path. Clearly the gardener here is less active than the one who works at the Great Abandoned Temple, although Ellis does notice that the vines covering the path are a lot less dense than those surrounding the temple. The statue is at the end of the hallway and he frowns as they approach it, while behind them Marks flips anxiously through the book again.

“Well, where are they?” Ellis demands.

The statue is there, and four enormous eye sockets are there, but no rubies or diamonds are present. Marks frowns and shrugs. There’s nothing in the guidebook to suggest an absence of precious stones but, in a rare moment of clarity he has a thought.

“Um, Sir? This is ... quite a famous temple. We might not be the first to come here...”

Ellis reaches up to stroke around the empty eye sockets. Sure enough, there are scratches from previous blades. He scowls and dashes his fist against the stone carving. “Thieving adventurers! Worthless scum the lot of them. Owww!”

It’s quite _hard_ stone. He sucks at his fist.

“Find me another temple. One with a statue with eyes, but not the sort of temple every desperate mercenary who wants a souvenir is going to head for.

* * *

_This_ temple is underground and, unlike the others, has a guide. At least the book insists he’s a guide, Ellis is convinced he’s just a mad old man who keeps chickens and lives outside the temple, fleecing travelers who want to enter.

He’s got a lantern that swings from a long stick and manages to kill Ellis’s night vision without actually showing him much of the path. He’s stubbed his toe twice already, but apparently in _this_ temple is a large and magnificent diamond, and that will at least make this whole fiasco partially worthwhile. In a way, he almost hopes there’s another reason it won’t be there. Adventuring through jungles, fighting killer scorpions and performing daring deeds in order to find and abscond with priceless diamonds seems a lot more fun than getting engaged.

They stop inside a low cavern, and Marks walks into the back of him. The guide lifts his lantern up to the rock face and whispers “Behold!”

“Behold _what_.” Ellis snaps. There isn’t nearly enough light to make out anything, but he certainly can’t see any kind of statue.

“Wait a minute...” the guide wanders off with the lantern and then there’s a ‘click’ of a switch and suddenly the place is bathed in light from a small overhead bulb. There’s no statue, but there is a carving, etched into the wall, of a naked lady. It’s a very _good_ carving, even if the lady is more curvaceous than strictly beautiful. Far more attention has been paid to detailing her body, while her face is a fairly simply outline of features.

“Well?” He snaps.

“Behold, the carving of Hér Pez, Goddess of lust and sexual desire.”

Ellis sighs, turning to Marks, “Where’s the diamond, you said there was a diamond?”

Marks holds the book up desperately, stabbing his fingers at the words, “The temple of Hér Pez wherein lies the largest diamond in the realm! It says there is!”

The guide gives a hacking laugh which finishes in a mad cackle, “Yes! Haha!”

“Yes ... what?”

“There is a diamond.” He cackles again. “The biggest diamond ever found. Men tried for years and years to get it out of the rock, but were unsuccessful. So they cursed it, and spat at it, and then finally accepted that its beauty would never been seen or touched. They erected this temple, a temple for beauty desirable yet unobtainable.”

“And?” Ellis demanded. “Where is it?”

The guide gestures to the carving. “They covered it with earth and stone, and marked it with her body. Look at her, no statue, no glittering jewels, no columns and temples. She is a lady; her beauty is within.”

Ellis puts his hands on his hips and considers the statue. “Men tried for years and years, great. If they couldn’t get it out, how will we?”

“They tried with pickaxes, they tried with forks.” The guide shakes his head sadly. “They tried ropes, pulleys, winches, every machine and combination known to man.” He pauses. “Of course, that was long before the invention of gunpowder.”


	2. In Which Our Hero Is In Need Of A Diamond Cutter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellis of Woolworth meets Kendal and suffers a moment of introspection

_The mercenary nature of jewellers – an unexpected arrangement – the unexpected outcome of an unexpected arrangement – the morning after the night before – our hero comes to a final decision_

“Well?” Ellis demands almost as soon as Marks enters the door, “Any luck?”

It’s late afternoon and Marks has been out all morning, searching for someone who can turn their large hunk of recently excavated diamond into something resembling a ring. Ellis had expected that finding the diamond would be the difficult part, that once he had it there would be a small preliminary preparation before it was ready to hand over to Henrietta with a flourish.

Jewellers, as it turns out, appear to want a lot more money than he would have imagined.

Marks shakes his head, “They’re all asking for at least 20 gold pieces to work with a stone this size.”

Ellis sighs, “Well, I suppose you’ll just have to go back out there and keep looking.”

Marks scowls and then takes a breath, “Sir, did you ... did you think any further about that idea I had?”

“The one about attaching indicator lights to either side of the horse?”

“No, the one about getting me a page of my own...” He’s asked a few times, Ellis usually pretends not to hear, and even Marks can guess the reason why. “Because I was thinking, we might not have to pay for it. I mean, we could get someone on an internship or something. It might be useful, for work like this.”

Ellis hesitates, for the first time actually considering the idea. Marks is a loyal page, but he isn’t exactly the brightest spark in the toolbox. “We-ell ... I’ll see. If you can find someone who can do it for free.”

“I’ll have a look Sir.” Marks says with relief, “And, well, I did find one jeweller that might be willing to lower his prices.”

“Really?” Ellis sits up from where he’s been practicing lounging on a chaise. “Where?”

“He’s right at the end of the jewel-merchants avenue, Sir, little house all on its own at the end of the street, he’s a bit ... odd.”

“Odd I can cope with, it’s expensive we can’t manage.” Ellis jumps to his feet, full of purpose. “Right, give me the diamond. Take the rest of the evening off. After you’ve sorted out my horse. And tracked down some gold for the ring. And given the place a clean.”

“Definitely getting a page of my own.” Marks mutters under his breath.

Ellis doesn’t hear him. Taking the over-large diamond he tucks it into his coat and goes in search of a reasonably-priced jeweller.

* * *

The rest of the jewellers live in higgledy-piggledy houses that are all pressed together, sometimes overlapping so that one person’s ceiling is the next house’s attic, and somebody’s balcony rests on top of their neighbour's second bedroom. The houses are skinny and pokey, not the sort of buildings you’d expect to house a fortune in precious metals and gems. The temptation to steal must be incredible which is why, Ellis supposes, they _are_ pressed so close together. Each jeweller can keep an eye on the others.

Nobody seems to want to keep an eye on the house at the end. As Marks described, it’s set apart from the others with its own surrounding rim of garden, although garden is definitely overselling it. The ground is over-run with weeds and covered in junk – bits of twisted metal and old screws. The house itself is only one story high, with larger houses looming around. It looks out of place, like a cottage someone’s dumped in the middle of the city.

Ellis approaches the front door and knocks. There’s a twisted lump of gothic metal for a doorknocker. Unlike the garden, this has been cared for and the metal gleams under his hand. For a moment there’s silence from inside and he wonders in relief whether he can run away then there a clang from somewhere that makes him wince.

With a creek, the door opens about an inch. A lilting voice from inside demands, “Well?”

“Um ... I’m Ellis of Woolworth? I was told to come to you about a diamond, although if you’re busy, or if it’s too much trouble I can certainly –“

The door swings open. Ellis wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting, some wizened old jeweller probably, haggard and ancient, unkempt like the garden. Not a curly-haired blond fop in a purple crushed velvet suit and cravat. The man looks at him, gives a small giggle and then sashays off into the house with a “Well, come _on_ then.”

Ellis follows with a nervous sort of look outside before shutting the door.

The hallway is cramped, filled with ornate and decorative furniture, but it’s not until he squeezes past the last embroidered pouffe that he understands why. The workroom is empty of anything other than machines and tables, all unnecessary items have been pushed into the hall, leaving as much space as possible. Most of it is taken up by a large clanking machine, that Kendal immediately waltzes up to and soothingly caresses.

“Oh, you see! A customer. Mmm ... maybe he has something for you?” He gives Ellis a coquettish smile and Ellis stares, unsure of how to react. Running away is unthinkable, but perhaps he could ... sidle away? The jeweller’s lips are pink and full, shining under the light, as sparkling as any gem.

“Hello?” The man prompts, his hands still all over the machine, “I am Kendal, diamonds a speciality? Did you have something for me, something big, and hard, and beautiful...”

Ellis clears his throat and then, unable to think of anything to say, reaches into his pocket and tugs out the diamond. Kendal’s eyes gleam and he’s immediately on it, manicured fingers caressing the stone, wincing a little at the remaining pieces of soil and rock attached to it.

“Oh! Mmmm ... you are a very ... lucky ... girl ...” Kendal murmurs, lifting the stone up to the light and clicking his tongue, “This man brings you such beautiful presents, ohhh ... I might start getting jealous!” He smirks at Ellis again, but Ellis is now lost in a sea of unfamiliar innuendo and just forces a smile back.

“Alright, um, how much?” he manages eventually, once his tongue unsticks itself from the roof of his mouth.

Kendal bites his bottom lip and stares at him aghast, reaching around the machine with one hand to cover a part of it, “Don’t listen to him! How much – is that how you treat a lady?” He sweeps forwards, hands mincing, feet making dainty little steps across the workshop floor, “I can turn this into a priceless gem, for you, money is so cheap, so dirty... oh you naughty boy.”

“So you’ll do it for free?” Ellis croaks desperately.

“For you ... no.” Kendal raises his eyebrows, and then glances up and down Ellis’s body and Ellis suddenly wishes that on top of the armour he was wearing another suit of armour. “Maybe ... for a kiss?”

Ellis’s eyes bulge and he splutters, but somehow doesn’t move back as Kendal places the fingers of one hand against his chest and lays the diamond down on the worktable. “I – um – I sleep with women.” He manages desperately, “All the time. Like I kill people. All the time. A – a lover and a fighter, yes, like ... my ... brother...”

Kendal’s lips are _distractingly_ shiny.

“So?” Kendal murmurs, and Ellis swallows nervously, before briefly giving a nod.

Any shyness Kendal might have had abruptly evaporates as the man grabs the back of his head and attaches their lips together. Ellis’s eyes widen as Kendal’s tongue forces its way inside his mouth and then flicker and close as his arms wrap around Kendal’s waist, holding him close, gasping as he relishes the only truly enjoyable kiss he’s had in his life. Kendal is smooth-shaven but there’s still an edge of stubble that brings it shockingly into contrast with pecks on the cheek from Henrietta. And of course Kendal is holding his head in place while attempting to reach his tonsils with his tongue which is something Henrietta never did.

A few quizillian years pass, then Kendal is breaking away and Ellis pants desperately, trying to hold onto him as Kendal side-steps and then immediately returns to the machine, petting it and patting it, “Oh, no, don’t be jealous, come on my darling, look, look what a beautiful toy he has given you to play with!”

“Um ... well ... I’ll come back tomorrow, shall I?” Ellis asks, watching Kendal with the machine and wondering whether he should run screaming for the hills and never return.

Kendal turns back to him, pointing a finger at him and then giggling and dropping it to his side, “Yes, yes, she will be ready tomorrow, or ... well ... or you could stay the night, hmm?”

* * *

Ellis doesn’t meet Kendal’s eyes the next morning, which works fine, because Kendal seems to be excessively worried that he’s caused his cutting and polishing machine a certain degree of jealousy and spends the whole morning cooing over it, cajoling it, stroking it, and quite frankly Ellis doesn’t know where to look. Anywhere away from the pert little velvet covered derriere suits him fine.

“Will you come back?” Kendal asks, in his silly little lilting accent, his shiny lower lip pouting prettily. Ellis looks away stiffly, and manages, “This diamond is for an engagement ring. For my wife-to-be.”

“Oh.” Kendal looks momentarily affronted, and then he’s back, pressing and touching slender fingers against Ellis’s armour, “So, will you come back? Or no?”

Ellis doesn’t really answer, just stumbles out of the house as quickly as he can politely leave. Not that normal measures of politeness really apply to a man who seems to be trying to entice him into a threesome with a jewel polishing machine. Once outside and the door safely shut to the tinkling accent of “Don’t be a stranger!” Ellis pulls the diamond out of his pocket. It’s beautiful; sparkling, bright and flawless. A little on the small side, given what he started with, but that’s apparently how the process works. He knows it’ll make a fine ring, even if every time he sees it he’ll be imagining something very different to the short, irritable brunette who’ll be wearing it.

He walks slowly home, trying to think. He can’t marry her. He knows that, and he’s always known it. Settling down to married life just isn’t _him_ – not least because he’s just spent the evening rather enthusiastically coupling with a deranged mechanophile jeweller with unfairly shiny pouting lips. On the other hand, he can hardly throw his whole life away to spend the rest of it continuing to enthusiastically couple with a whole range of young men.

Most of Yonderland, he knows, won’t give a cat-dogs non-existent arse if he starts flirting with men. Unfortunately two of the men who will care happen to be his father and his brother. And himself. Ellis wants to be like Philip, to fight like Philip, to laugh and joke with Philip and, now he thinks about it, most of the things they laugh and joke about _are_ girls. How they feel about girls, how they treat girls, how they’d like to treat girls, and full blown entirely made up stories about how they have treated girls.

He doesn’t want to lose all that.

* * *

He clears the ottoman at a bound, crashing through the door into the hallway beyond with Henrietta’s shrieks close behind. Henrietta’s father has enough time for a few outraged noises before Philip catches on and is running with him, laughing as the two of them jump straight through the ground floor window, clambering onto waiting horses, while Marks and Philip’s lanky page run behind, trying to keep up.

“You turned her down!” Philip roars delightedly, “Ellis you cad!”

“What can I say?” Ellis gasps, “One women isn’t enough for a Woolworth.”

Henrietta’s shrieks and her father’s roars are fading into the distance as the two horses clatter noisily through the streets, clearing stationary market-stalls and sending unexpected pedestrians scurrying to safety.

“Never enough!” Philip calls back, drawing his sword with a flourish, “And now, onward!”

“Onward!”

“To adventure, fun and women!”

“Yes!” Ellis calls back managing, after some difficulty, to disentangle his sword from the scabbard while his horse sends a chicken stall flying, “We love women!”

“We love them and leave them.”

“Absolutely.” Ellis forces a smile, staying close to his brother as the two of them ride through the streets of Yonderland, leaving a trail of pandemonium in their wake.


End file.
